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Sunday, June 25, 2017 Misc. » Quotes » People  
 

Misc – Non-aviation

ELEMENTARY BIBLE SCHOOL TESTS

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary test, kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys arrived from the East side they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The Epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Life Philosophy

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
        
 
        
 

Photography

”In the thirties, before flashbulbs came into common use, flash powder was used for night pictures. This was a magnesium mixture which, when lit, exploded with a brilliant flash and a dense cloud of acrid smoke. A measured quantity was usually spread on a tray and ignited by the spark from a trigger-operated flint or a firework-type cap.”

”The procedure was for one apprentice to be given the job of calling 'Caps off!' whereupon all the photographers would open their shutters, the flash powder would be fired and the shutters would then be closed.”

”The term ‘Caps off’ originated in the early days of photography before there were shutters on cameras and a lens cap was used to let light through when the photographer was ready to take a picture. Whereby hangs a famous story of those early days.”

”At the enthronement of Dr Temple as the Archbishop of York, it was a dark, winter's day and the press photographers were all waiting at the Great West Door for what was to be THE picture - the new Archbishop standing there and blessing the city.”

”The scores of cameramen were balanced on tables, chairs, packing cases and even reporters' shoulders in one huge, swaying group, waiting for the big moment.”

”A young apprentice, Charlie Bowrie (years later to become Chief Photographer of the Yorkshire Post) was given the job of firing the flash powder. He'd never done this job for a crowd of photographers before, but he did know the right number of spoonfuls of the perilous powder needed for a picture. So he counted the number of photographers and then put enough powder for each. In one massive heap.”

The Archbishop emerged, raised his hand for the Blessing, Charlie yelled 'Caps off!' and fired the Vesuvius-like mound of powder.”

”I am told that the resultant holocaust would have rivalled Hiroshima as a gigantic cloud of choking smoke mercifully hid the scene. When it drifted away it could be seen that the whole pyramid of cameramen and reporters had collapsed into a shambles of sooty-faced men using the most indelicate profanities as they searched for cameras, slides and tripods amid the wreckage.”

”The great Dr Temple paused only a minute to allow the irreligious oaths and doubts about Charlie's mental ability and the marital state of his parents to die away. Then he carried on with the blessing, though it was still punctuated by the occasional expletive emerging from the conglomeration of newsmen as they discovered the mangled remains of their cameras.”

”Soon after this incident, flashbulbs came into use. But camera shutters hadn't yet been synchronised for flash use, so the old 'Caps off' technique was still used.”

”Which led to ...”

”There had been a big story about a suspected murder and the papers learned there was to be an exhumation of the victim. The police didn't want the press there, so had arranged for this to take place just before dawn.”

”But the secret leaked out and an hour beforehand a gaggle of cameramen hid themselves in the bushes around the grave, having previously arranged for one to call, 'Caps off!' and fire the bulb at the right moment.”

”It was still dark and the wind was howling when the coffin was finally lifted out and, at that moment, the cry 'Caps off!' rang out. A second or so later, the powerful flashbulb fired.”

”The cameramen immediately scuttled back to their various newspapers, not wanting to be caught by the police. And when they developed their plates they each discovered they had a perfect picture of the group of gravediggers and police, all looking rather startled.”

”And showing every one, in deference to the call which had rung out, respectfully raising his cap!”

The late Victor Blackman, from his memoir Naff Off! Confessions of a Fleet Street Photographer
        
 

Let’s do Lunch

“Those were very carefree times when Prince Philip was stationed in Malta as captain of the HMS Magpie and Princess Elizabeth was a Navy wife. It was a very friendly, neighbourly place and there was no need for any security. In fact, when I went to Buckingham Palace to be given my appointment as High Commissioner, I spoke to one of the Ladies-in-Waiting. She said: ‘Are you going to Malta?’ When I said yes, she told me that whenever a letter arrives with a Maltese stamp, they put it on top of the pile and rush it down to wherever the Queen is so that she can read it. She wants to see anything from Malta first.

Vincent Fean, 2005 British High Commissioner to Malta. From a weekly series of interviews by the name of Let’s do Lunch, carried in The Malta Independent.

”He’s probably tired of being asked this, but: why did you come to Malta?”

“I was working at a radio station in the UK, doing outside broadcasts, and I just got bored of England, moving around from one station to another. It’s a horrible place to live in right now, honestly. As soon as Tony Blair came into power I left, it’s become too politically correct.”

As for Cliff, it’s the longest place he’s ever stayed in and “corny as it might sound” it’s the only place he calls home.

“I’m not patriotic about the UK at all, only about the football. I wouldn’t live there if you paid me a million pounds. Bring back Margaret Thatcher is what I say.”

Cliff and Jay.
        
 

Lateral Thinking

Edward De Bono Maltese physician, educator

When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.

From an Internet collection of quotations. Edward De Bono, (1933-____). He has had a major impact on the way we think with the introduction of "lateral thinking"; wrote "The Mechanism of Mind," 1969.

The need to be right all the time is the biggest bar to new ideas. It is better to have enough ideas for some of them to be wrong than to be always right by having no ideas at all.

From "Clint's Master Quotation Page," an internet collection of quotations.
        
 
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